Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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