Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
this just has baby written all over it
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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