When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
