hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
