You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You can't motorboat a personality
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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