Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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