My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
