Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
