You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
