I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
