I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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