I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
