my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
