Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize