my phone needs a breathalizer
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
