he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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