Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
