Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
