I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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