are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
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Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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