I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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