theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
