Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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