I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
try to milk me bitch
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