There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
