plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Randomize
