my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
