I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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