Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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