i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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