God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
