I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
