Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
