The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
