What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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