If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
