your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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