I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
