My first STD was from a foam party
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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