dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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