I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
