There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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