wakey wakey hands off snakey
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
