My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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