I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
