forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
