I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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