I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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