it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
