i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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