seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
