its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
