Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
