But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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