The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
