Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
