shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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