Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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