Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
