My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
