Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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