idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
